helping other people with their relationship problems is simultaneously extremely exhausting and unexpectedly rewarding. sometimes i just wish that i had enough conviction to take my own advice. (i.e. i give myself good advice, but i very seldom follow it. hopefuly, i don't get lost in the woods at the mercy of a grinning purple cat.) it's funny, in the way that ninety percent of what i say is advice i would probably appreciate, but never take myself. especially because the person who has wanted my advice (why he wants my advice is a rather debatable question, to which i have no definitive answer) has a personality very similar to mine. overly analytical, overly cautious. m's such a good guy. i'm just happy i can be there for him when he needs me. i guess not necessarily me, but someone. i suppose i suffice, and that's fulfillment enough to fill some kind of void. and then last night, while on the phone with yksisarvinen about things that nobody should ever, ever have to deal with (power up, babydoll. you know you can do this.), i realized something for myself. nobody has to be a part of your life unless you decide that you want them there. nobody says you have to acknowledge the presence of someone who is no longer a part of your life. i don't need you anymore. and it's easier to say that than i thought it would be. i'm not going to say that you don't cross my mind, or that i'm not upset about how you've been texting c for the last month (though, to be honest, it should be very clear by this point that she neither wants nor apreciates your attention, let alone reciprocate it. you were never good at taking hints.), or that my chest doesn't do that tightening thing when my screen lights up with your name, but it's getting easier to not care, easier to not talk to you. of course, this is all a gross overdramatization of what's really going on in my life. because i do honestly realize that this matters only because i've decided that it matters. because i know that sometimes i blow things further out of proportion than is necessary.
what is my significance in the entire scheme of the universe? one drop in the ocean, one grain of sand, one dying star in a fading constellation. supernova, baby.
but now spring is here. and the weather is warmer, and the sky is brighter, and the wind is changing. and the damp air is settling into my bones, and everything is going to be alright.
i find it unbelievably frustrating that my mother gets angry at me for taking a day for myself. yes, i have work to do, and papers to write and tests to study for. and no, i am not being productive. but is one night to myself, baking, colouring, watching trashy television, too much to ask? when, in my life, have i ever not gotten something done? she knows, better than anyone, that i am not that kind of person. when something needs to be done, i will make sure it gets done. this week has been so unbelievably exhausting. three straight days of testing, and for what? of course, i understand that the ACT is important. but the MME is a joke, and, quite frankly, a complete waste of my time. the only purpose of the MME was to determine which students qualified for the michigan promise scholarship (or, as my friend m likes to call it, the "broken promise" scholarship). however, now that that program is no longer in place, there is no point in administering the exam. it would be one thing if it actually tested academic ability, but with questions like, "You are a child psychologist that needs a test group of 50 children. So far, you have 33 children in your test group. How many more children do you need?" i can barely believe that this is an accurate measure of my ability. now that michigan has decided not to comply with the new federal standards, we have been taken out of the running for the money from the $9 million eductional bill. hence, the MME was a colossal waste of my time.
today, i made dinosaur muffins, and went to the bean, and coloured in a harry potter colouring book. last weekend, i went to a concert where yksisarvinen barista'd like a boss, and i met a band who has the exact same music taste as i do. the bassist and i both had bright eyes ringtones, and were talking about how much we love elliott smith. after that, michelle came here and we just talked. for hours. which was something i needed. something i always need. a few weeks ago, i made a blanket fort, ate cookie dough, and watched glee for hours. my friends are the best in the world, but i need summer. i need freedom, i need lazy, sun-drenched air.
sure, when it's autumn, wind always wants to creep up and haunt you.
by the way, michelle is marvelous. just saying. why do i have so many friends whose names start with m?
what frustrates me the most is that i know i deserve better. i know i deserve someone as good as you. but for all the potential i was sure i saw, nothing came of it. and nothing's going to come of it by me spouting my thoughts on a forum where your name remains anonymous (though, i'm sure, the only people who care about this are those who would already know), but at least it makes me feel like i'm doing something constructive with a feeling that couldn't possibly mean anything to you. and i know that my feelings are largely emotionally superficial, but isn't every feeling like that? i deserve someone as good as you. and she's not going to make you happy. maybe superficially, maybe for a while. but she couldn't possibly make you happy. but if i'm not happy, and you're not happy, then why bother?
it'll seem more like a song and less like it's math if you pull on my hair and bite me like that
there are bruises on my hips, and that is not okay. i am craving the taste of sugared coconut, i am craving the taste of your lips.
i want to say i miss you, but i'd be lying. but i can't say that i don't miss you, because my lips don't know how to form those words yet. i haven't yet figured out quite how not to want you. but i'm learning.
today, i want to lie in bed and watch good will hunting.
